If I Had A Gun
by delectabledaisy
Summary: "Her voice is suddenly so quiet now that you have to strain to hear it, and the shakiness of her words hints at the tears that rest unbidden in her eyes. "I have to tell you how I feel before I really do lose my chance."" Post Bloodlines oneshot. Fluff/Angst.


**I've been meaning to write a fanfic using some Noel Gallagher lyrics since I saw him in February, the man is god.**

**This is set just after 'Bloodlines' from s14, I'm talking like a few days or something, when everything's still raw and angsty. I'm aware that this is late as fook, and I'm also aware it's probably a load of shite. It's a bit asdfghjkl****as well but just go with it.**

**Hope you all enjoy it. :-)**

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_If I had the time, I'd stop the world  
__and make you mine, and everyday  
__would stay the same with you.  
_**Noel Gallagher**

If I Had A Gun

It's weird, the way something can change your own life so much, yet the world continues to spin as if nothing happened. It's almost as if time is moving twice as fast now, showing you that you really do have to make the most of things. Make the most of your life, your loved ones, your opportunities. Especially now. You know what it's like to feel as if time has run out - you saw your unfulfilled life flash before your eyes and your regrets crashed down upon you like waves onto the shore.

You nearly died.

While you were on the floor with a gun pointed at your face, your fear of death wasn't the reason you reacted so instinctively. It was the thought of leaving behind one particular person that you know you'd never survive without. The thought of never seeing Nikki again is one you have to push to back of your mind, because that thought alone is enough to send you on a downwards spiral. Seeing her at that memorial, seeing her break down in tears and crumble in your arms, made you fall in love with her even more. You never noticed how much you'd missed seeing her face until it was the only thing you wanted to see at that moment. Never have you felt guilt so strongly; the pain of allowing her to think you were dead is one you feel so deeply that it rattles through your bones and swims in your blood.

You let her think you'd left her.

You let her think you didn't love her.

The sun is fading above the streets of Budapest, and as a free man you can roam as you please. Much to Leo's dismay, you decided to take a walk alone and clear your head a bit, maybe take in some of the sights you never managed to take notice of before. After haphazardly making your way around the vast city, you find yourself at the entrance of a park, and hastily make your way towards a bench not too far away from a small pond in the middle of the grassy field.

A chill lingers in the air as the sun almost disappears completely, bidding farewell to the day and preparing for tomorrow. Perhaps you should do the same. Exhaustion has seeped so deeply into your skin that just the mere thought of moving causes your limbs to ache, and you see no reason to return back to your hotel right now anyway. Though, you hardly see reason to do anything anymore. You shouldn't be here. _You shouldn't be alive._

The voice in your head plagues you with that sentence over and over, until it sinks in so far that you begin to ponder why you fought so hard for your life at all.

"No one would miss me anyway." You sigh depressingly under your breath.

"I would." Comes a voice from behind, and you automatically know who it is. It's as if Nikki can read your mind. If the circumstances weren't so tragic, it'd be almost laughable. "Every time I've felt as though my life was coming to an end, I've thought the exact same thing."

"Every time? Bloody hell, that's a lot of thinking." You reply quietly, turning your head to face her as she sits down beside you.

Ignoring your remark, she looks ahead at the pond in front of you and sighs. "I'd miss you, Harry. So much." She doesn't make eye contact with you as she says this, like doing so would make everything a hundred times worse.

"Ah, you'd be alright." You reply, dismissing her comment and leaning backwards on the bench.

"You have no idea, do you?" She exclaims, and her fierce tone startles you so much it's a miracle you don't topple off the bench and into the water. "When I thought you were dead-"

"Nikki, please." You interrupt, closing your eyes and burying your face in your hands. "Please. Don't."

"I have to." Her voice is suddenly so quiet now that you have to strain to hear it, and the shakiness of her words hints at the tears that rest unbidden in her eyes. "I have to tell you how I feel before I really do lose my chance."

The tears run freely as she looks at you, creating dark paths on her porcelain cheeks. You have this immense desire to wipe them away, but as you raise you hand towards her face she flinches.

"When I thought you were dead," She continues slowly. "I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't allow myself to believe it. Just the thought that I'd never be able to see you again was enough to drive me insane. I couldn't believe you'd just leave me like that. I thought... I thought that one day maybe we'd both come to our senses and finally accept how we feel about each other, you know? You can't deny there's _something_ there. I'm just not sure what to call it yet. I feel as though I've been waiting for you, for so long. And when you died, it was like I'd wasted all my time waiting when I should've just told you how I felt. It felt like a huge hole had been punched in my chest, or a part of myself had been snatched away with you. It broke me, Harry... And I don't think I have the strength to fix myself this time."

She looks away again and allows you time to swallow her words.

"I... I'm so sorry."

"So am I." She smiles sadly, wipes her eyes and stands up. "I should probably leave you to it. You obviously came this far away from the hotel for a reason, and I doubt that reason is to be disturbed by an emotional wreck like me."

She turns to walk away, and you practically jump up from your seat and grab her arm so you can spin her round to face you. You gaze into her eyes imploringly; silently willing her to stay. She gazes back, and the feel of her eyes locked with yours almost takes your breath away.

"I'm really am so sorry, Nikki, for everything." You release her arm and place your hand on the small of her back, pulling her closer to you.

"What do you want, Harry?" She asks quietly, almost apprehensively. You begin to wonder whether she'd even heard your apology.

Your heart jumps and your muscles tense slightly when you hear her sudden change of topic; she's looking at you now as if she knows what she _wants _you to say, but is unsure as to whether you will or not. You stand in a still silence as you contemplate your answer. Every time you conjure up a sentence in your mind, it fizzles and distorts until you're left with absolutely nothing. Which is strange, considering you know _exactly _what you want. You've known for years.

As clichéd as it sounds, you want to see her every morning when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep. You want to finally be able to put a label on your feelings for her, instead of having to hide them and pretend they aren't there. You want to move in with her, or have her move in with you. You want to be close to her forever and never have to lose her. You want to fix her; glue the broken parts of her back together and make her feel complete. You want to give Leo the opportunity to be all smug when you finally confess how you feel, as you're almost certain he's already aware. You want to kiss her, hold her, make love to her. You want to marry her. You want to have children with her, as soon as you're both ready. You want to grow old with her. You want to tell her you love her. _You want her._ In every single meaning of the phrase.

You reply after a pause, leaning your forehead against hers. "I want you, Nikki, forever."

You feel an unexpected, unprecedented anger rise at your own damned ignorance towards your feelings. You shouldn't have waited for a near-death experience to finally grow a pair and do all the things in life you've waited so long to.

"Why are we waiting?" You continue. "It's all we've done since we first met, and for what? When I thought I was going to die and I was looking down the barrel of that gun, I was terrified, yet I couldn't think about anything except you. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I regretted not telling you how I feel sooner. I've had enough bloody time to do so... I don't want to let this chance slip away again."

It's as if the world stops. Nothing else in the world matters at that moment, nothing except Nikki. You move back from her slightly to gauge her reaction, and you're not entirely surprised when you see the tears cascading down her cheeks once again. She smiles at you through the downpour, and it's like everything bad has been taken out of the world and replaced with nothing but good. All your memories of Hungary and of Anna's death float to the back of your mind and sink to the bottom - never to be seen again. You're momentarily blinded by Nikki Alexander and the silent promise of a future with her.

"I love you," You tell her clearly whilst wiping the tears away from her cheeks as they continue to spill from her eyes like a waterfall. "And I want to be able to tell you that every day for the rest of my life."

Suddenly, without warning, her lips find yours and your world implodes. The feeling you get when you kiss her is one you can vaguely remember from all those years ago at the pub, and it's a feeling you can't believe you've survived this long without. Her shampoo and perfume morph together and it's almost intoxicating. You deepen the kiss slightly and she moans quietly into your mouth as your tongue glides against her bottom lip, and you notice her gripping your shirt with both fists tightly as if she never wants to let you go ever again.

Her eyes dazzle in a different way when they're clouded with tears; it's almost magical the way they glisten and darken slightly in colour. You look deeper into them, and wonder if anyone else has noticed how they change so drastically with every one of her emotions or moods. A part of you hopes they haven't. You like to think you can keep this part to yourself, like a dark secret that can never be exposed. In her eyes you can see the world.

Before you can assemble a coherent sentence, it's over, and the loss of contact is almost unbearable as she shifts away from you; far enough so you can't reach her lips again, but close enough so you can still see her beautiful features shining through the darkness of night.

"I'm glad you're still here, Harry," She whispers, running a finger along your jaw as if she's looking for proof that you're still alive. "I love you."

It's like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders when she tells you that. It's amazing how three simple little words can do that to someone; how they can be so excruciatingly perfect that you're convinced nothing will ever go wrong again.

You don't know if Nikki knows what she does to you. No matter what you go through, what obstacles you tackle throughout your life, she's always there to pick up the pieces when you fall apart. And when she smiles reassuringly through darkness at you before gripping your hand and taking you back to the hotel, you make a silent promise to do the same for her. Forever.

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**Ah, before I forget, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has read and reviewed my previous Silent Witness fics, it's much appreciated. You guys make me so happy with your kind words and encouragement. :D**

**How about a cheeky review for this one too? ;-) xo**


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